Feeling All the Feels

Ice Cream with Papa…Chocolate

One Spring day my first grade class walked all the way from the elementary school to the ice cream stand several long blocks away. It seemed like miles for my short little legs. I walked to the window, paid my money, and took two quick licks.

Ice Cream with Papa

Then watched as the ice cream fell from my cone to the middle of the street. As I watched the vanilla deliciousness melt away I was heartbroken. I still remember the pain of that loss. The ice cream had sprinkles.

Throughout our lives we all encounter sadness, disappointment and loss. Grief is the natural response to losing what is important to us. When a loved one dies, a relationship ends, a job is lost, we suffer chronic illness, our plans are dashed…or we simply watch ice cream melt on the pavement…we can be assured that some degree of sorrow, despair, and grief will soon follow.

I knew that anger was one of the stages of grief, but I thought that meant that I would be angry with my husband for not taking better care of himself or angry with the universe for placing me in this unwelcome and unwanted position. Nope, I could have had those feelings, but in all honesty, I didn’t. Instead, I find that I have a very short fuse with just about everything else. This reaction has taken me completely by surprise.

Inferno
Based on sculpture by Brian Jungen, AGO, July 2019

I’m angry about things that make sense. I’m also angry about things that only, maybe, kinda make sense and I’m angry too, about things that rationally, make no sense whatsoever. It’s as though I’ve been blowing all my emotions into a balloon that’s stretched taut and just about to burst. It’s the finality and the frustration of loss that has been filling that balloon. Once the ice cream is on the blacktop there’s no way it’s going back in the cone. The exasperation of that moment has to go somewhere, so it is transmuted into anger. There’s a fair amount of jealousy that’s trying to find release too. A six year old watching her classmates blissfully licking ice cream is a case in point. Sadness, frustration and jealousy are all swirling around together pushing at the sides of that expanding latex sphere.

Recently, I saw Billy Elliott The Musical in Stratford, Ontario. In one scene, Billy is consumed with anger and frustration. He channels his distress into dance as a way to…as my mom used to say…get the mad out.

Billy Elliot, The Musical…Angry Dance Live at the 2009 Tony Awards with Elton John

Just as everyone experiences loss and grief, no one escapes feelings of anger. Even Jesus was filled with righteous indignation. We’ve been taught to keep our emotions under control, but it is important that wherever they originate…the deep despair of death, the myriad minor daily exasperations, or watching ice cream puddle at your feet…to feel all the feels. It’s not healthy to deny or suppress anger. Bottled anger often destroys the vessel that contains it. Might as well look it in the eye and name it. Don’t be afraid to feel the heat and energy of it. Let it wash over you and wallow in it for a spell. Know it for what it is. Then find a way to let the air out of the balloon. Channel that power into a form of positive expression and find a way to get the mad out that doesn’t involve kicking the cat, breaking the dishes, or giving yourself another reason to be angry.

“We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” 

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

My short fuse won’t last forever, but it will probably come again. When it does I’ll be ready for it, recognize it, and then like Billy, maybe I can transform it into something creative, beautiful and perhaps…after a satisfyingly inappropriate gesticulation or two… it will lead me back to wholeness.

6 thoughts on “Feeling All the Feels

  1. Just reading this makes me less fearful of these things!!! You are amazing and in case I have never said it, I Love You!!!! I believe feeling live and spreading it to friends and family is my gift. I tell everybody!!!
    Peace and much love Sally!!!

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  2. As always my dear sweet cousin you find a way to help other as you process what life has dealt you. I always rely on faith and to coin a phrase if God brings you to it he will see you through it. Life has so many twists and turns I at times have had to continue on by faith alone until I found the path God wanted me to be on.
    As I have grown to realize our family has a lot of very strong women who always find a way during some of our darkest hours to dig deep inside to draw on that inner strength. To find their way and find peace, love and see the beauty around them.
    You Sally are a prime example and I am blessed to call you my cousin.

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